Patricia

“I can’t do this” I remember these words running over and over in my head. I lay face down on the green carpet of my room. I was done, beaten, and through with life.

 

I believed my only escape from this pain was through taking my own life.

 

Time and time again I had tried and failed at making my life better and being a better person. There was no solution for my problem but leaving this earth, or so I thought. 

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For most of my life I felt withdrawn and disconnected from my family, like they had something I did not possess. My parents began to notice and asked me about it. I did not tell them the first few times, not wanting to be saved from my misery. 

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I shared with my father that I was not a Christian and did not believe that Jesus had died on the cross for my sins. His reactions to the information contradicted how I thought he would respond. In my mind, he would shout and scream How could you, what is wrong with you, and maybe I don’t love you. He instead responded with gentleness, kindness, and love. He first told me mom had guessed that I was not a Christian and that did not change how they felt about me.

 

They both still loved me and I was their daughter. A few days later my mother asked if I was willing to

talk to someone about my recent suicidal thoughts. I remember thinking, wow, why are they

acting with such patience? 

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Over the next few months, once a week I would meet with a Christian counselor from our church. During this time I unpacked suppressed emotions and thoughts about myself, my adoption, and my biological family. Ms. Kathy was able to walk me through healthy discussions about my feelings I had toward my biological family that I was lashing out at my adoptive one. Throughout this process my parents never let me feel alone or abandoned and constantly made me aware of their love. 

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A Sunday night in February the youth pastor was preaching about Solomon, who had asked God for wisdom in his life. This appealed to me, who had no direction and no understanding of who I was.

 

I wanted understanding and wisdom for my life. I began to wonder, could God provide that for me? I began

to mull that thought over and over in my head with another question. I had seen and felt my parents' love

and I began to ask, if this is how much my earthly parents love me, who are sinners.

How much does my Heavenly Father?

 

The combination of my parents' steadfast love, the promise of wisdom that Solomon received, and the working of the Holy Spirit was ultimately what brought me to Jesus, my Lord and Saviour. Over the past few years I have gotten baptized and with my sinful struggles I have had the constant presence and strength of Jesus.