I'm Brandi and this is my story.
I went to the clinic not once, but twice, because the first time I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right about this decision. All those years ago I exercised what I thought was a good decision, and steeled my resolve to believe that I was doing the responsible thing after being so irresponsible.
I was going to fix things. The problem? It cost a life. The life of my own child. This is the side of abortion
that isn’t talked about. The death. The guilt. The shame. It took me more than a decade to even begin
to talk about it.
Along the way, I learned a LOT more about fetal development, as well as the horrific process of abortion.
Years later, I went on to marry a wonderful man and have 4 beautiful children with him. The experience with my firstborn, however, was marred by silent pain. I found myself cringing at baby showers, silently mourning for my first child as I experienced the new life growing inside me. When people would ask us if this was our “first” baby, I would nod yes and then chide myself for lying. I continued to beat myself up without telling anyone. As you can imagine, this didn’t do well for the relationship I was building with my husband, or for the mother I wanted to be. We sought counseling expecting to talk about our marital stressors and instead ended up releasing a dam of welled-up grief which had been festering for many years in my heart.
We talked through the waves of guilt and the deep hurt. We had begun to attend church and the most bittersweet scripture I heard was Jeremiah 1:5, “I (God) knew you in your mother’s womb.” I wanted to find a trap door in the floor at church that day and crawl out because then I knew… I knew the answer to why something hadn’t felt right on that first visit to the clinic. The fingerprints of the Creator of the World were on the baby I never gave a chance at life. Every time we observed a moment of silence or prayer for the unborn I would internally cry out for my own child:
“God help me! What have I done? I can’t take it back!
Why…WHY did I go back to that clinic a 2nd time?”
Fortunately for me, I also had people come alongside me and share this scripture: If we confess our sins, He (God) is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. It took me a while to believe what the preacher said: that ALL means ALL and that’s ALL that ALL means. ☺
I found freedom from a silent, searing captivity only at the feet of Jesus and what He did for me on the cross. You see, scripture also states in Romans 5:8: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
That wrecks me. He loved me while I walked into that clinic and when I walked out.
He was just waiting on me to realize I needed Him and His forgiveness.
He loves you too. He is here for you in your pain, your hurt, your worry, your wondering. You need only reach out to Him in prayer. If you are locked in the same prison, I beg you to RUN not walk to the feet of Jesus. Only He can speak healing to your innermost being, the same innermost being our Heavenly Father knit together and speaks of in Psalm 139. Read it. Read these verses for yourself that I’ve mentioned. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Word of God. He influenced men to write it many years ago as an encouragement, promise, and witness to you today. He makes a way when we can’t see one. He is real and He is with you now.
If you are wrestling with the decision to abort, I beg of you not to do this to your child, to yourself, and to your support system. It will bring death, grief and discord that no human should have to experience. If you don’t have support, please find the nearest pregnancy resource center and a local church. If you aren’t in a position to raise your child, please seek an adoption agency that will talk to you about how you can bless someone else with a child they wholeheartedly desire, as you choose life. Allow this tiny human inside your womb to come into this world and change it for the better! Only God knows the plans He has for this child, and He can bring beauty from ashes. After all, He’s God, and He’s good at being God. ☺
As I look in wonder at my other 4 children, I can’t imagine this world without their impact on it. Heaven is sweeter knowing I’m forgiven and will one day be reunited with my first child. How my heart longs to know the shape of their face, color of hair, twinkle in their eye… I fully believe Jesus knows the depth of my sorrow and regret and will greet me one day holding this child, a child He has held since he or she left their short time on this earth. I also know their short time counted for something and this is why I share: to spare some other baby the pain of their experience. To spare some other mother/father the pain of my experience.
This forgiveness is free to all, and so is the hope of Heaven. I pray that everyone who reads our story can see the feet print of Jesus all through it, and will allow Him to pick you up and carry you as He has for me.
As a wise preacher once told me: there is no sin we can cover that He can’t uncover, and there is no sin we can uncover that He can’t cover. His blood covers your sin if you just ask. He will help you and heal you as only He can. In the power of the name of Jesus I pray you drop to your knees right now and cry out to Him. You are loved with an everlasting love by your Creator.